So here is something that I can’t stand, being sick, feeling ill, and most of all doctors, nurses, and hospitals.  Yes, I know all about run on sentences.  Here is the thing. I think that a lot if not most people I know think I enjoy it.  Newsflash folks it sucks. I hate that when I wake up in the morning, that my head is reeling, I feel nauseous and I am still exhausted. If I wake up before 3:00 pm that is.  I am confused about this nightmare. I don’t know how to fix it.  For some reason I can’t make it go away.

I amsorry

It finally happened

I finally told Granola that I think I am relapsing.  Yes, I have been skirting the issue for several weeks, (ok months) I came clean telling her that I have been fighting this thing.  Here is the thing, I really, really, REALLY, want to starve myself into oblivion. I want to go further than I ever have. I want to stop eating. I want to stop feeling. I do not want to eat ever again. I am trying so hard to get to a point where I can trust people with my vulnerabilities.  I am trying to find out who will walk this road with me. So, far I can’t find anyone. I don’t know how to ask anyone for things. My guilt is running rampant. I hate myself for feeling cliche.

I Am Sorry

I am sorry, sorry,sorry.  I hate that I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know how to be the person anyone wants to have around. I know how to be needed. I know how to make them all disappear. I don’t know how to be strong. I don’t know how to be honest. I don’t know how to ask. I am sorry. I am so confused. I am so lonely. I want to be forgiven. I want to be good. I want to disapper. I want to be real. I am sorry.  I don’t mean to make it worse. I don’t mean to ineffective.  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.  I am a coward. I am wrong. I am sorry

FML

damn therapist doesn't know me at all she thinks my ultimate desire is a husband I am chocking on the force feeding of normalcy. I think Hot mess Hair is out of her fecking mind. I need to talk about fears and what happens when my fear makes me want to slit my own throat. She needs so serious education on eating disorder and the real world I do not know how much more god is the answer bullshit I am holy shit mad but I purged twice today breakfast an lunch and to all my med. I am going to have to educate her big time and frankly it is not my job. done rant and scene. she tells me all the time your beautiful blah blah oh how can I stand her

Here we go again

 So here we go, again In a small closet there is a little girl. She is hiding there behind he sister's dresses and the Sunday shoes. The beat up sneakers and smelly socks. All the way in the back, can you see her ? Blond hair that catches the little bit of light, dirty elbows from playing in the dirt. There just barely you can see a band aid on her knee. Maybe you wonder why she is hiding here in the dark. Maybe you think she is playing. I mean after all she is so little. Why else? there are others of you that know. You know what it is like to put your back to the wall and stare out into this world from the dark. You have probably guessed that she is afraid. You don't know why she is scared but I do. Perhaps you don't care either. Well I tried that too.  So If you don't want to know then go away. Because I am going to let her tell the world why. Why on this day is she hiding in the closet.
" They took my clothes she whispers. they tied the leash to my neck, they made me eat the dog food again." She doesn't even cry anymore. ( i am afraid of dog food)

Avoiding emo

I admit it. I am avoiding all emotions. I am using all my obsessive thoughts and ineffective behaviors to do it to. I am finding myself bent over toilets, bags. garbage cans and even the bushes. Shoving two then three finaly my whole fucking hand down my throat, to get that one apple out of my stomach. I hate myself. E-dog wants to know what the primary emotion is well it is disgust. Pure and simple I am so disgusted by myself. I don't know how to cope with that. So right now I am avoiding it the best way I know how. Obsessing about destroying the monster inside me.

Fast????

How did I get here so fast???? I have been asking myself that question too much lately. I found myself bent over plastic bags puking my guts up today. Why, plastic bags? your asking. Because I am so afraid that all this regurgitating will clog my pipes, duh?  I am becoming obsessed with a capital O lately. No there is no food in my refrigerator. Sorry Edog and J.P. I keep promising myself that I will go. I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, what would I buy. This all happened so fast. The last thing I remember is restricting yeast and anything that causes yeast to grow. Now nothing but crumbs stay down. I told myself that I would do what the hotze clinic said. I promised that I could eat clean and healthy. two months is all it took. It all came crashing back. The fear crippling me. ED's voice whispering in my ear, driving me too my knees. I beg and plead when I wake up that my bowels empty. That I can make it on just my supplements and water filled with fiber. Purging until snot and tears run down my face, when a glass of almond milk finds its way down my throat. Black spots dance around my eyes taunting me to stand up to fast. I take in a bowl of soup only to find it in the toilet ten minutes later. My emotions are getting numb and I have taken my mask out and dusted it off.  The words fine, good, okay and whatever spill from my lips without a thought. The feeling of self disgust fills me up. Self hatred and doubt fill every nook and cranny of my mind and soul. Not that I ever thought they went away but I was handling them. Is it possible that Ana never left. I am taken aback. this happened too damn fast.