Thursday, April 8, 2010
I have no little gems today as my roomie calls them. No bits of humor or quips of sarcasm. I am full of despair. But that seems like such a small word for what I feel. Words like loom and grave and danger fill my head. I feel as though I have stepped on to a thin shelf over a great precipice. I have never done this in real life but I assume that foreboding and treacherous are the words that people feel when they do. I feel this is a unsafe place for me to be physically and emotionally. I do not know what to do about it. I can only feel it. Edog would say that I have the skills to deal with this even if it takes every bit of my energy. My brain tells me to give up. Run away from this monster that has hidden so well. My eating disorder has rushed to the forefront telling me that everything will be okay if I rush safely back to her arms. This is not the answer I know that but it is so damn inviting I will admit I am dabbling in it at times. I find my way back with roommate therapy and a few tears but I know that this damn has yet to break. This thin shell may break and I may fall.