Sunday, August 1, 2010

Here it is Sunday, this week did not go as I had planned it. I was placed on Safety by Edog and had to be watched by Dora, M&M, and Mann. They were scared as they had every right to be. The thing is I never said that I was a safety risk. I said I was tired. That is the truth, I am exhausted. I feel as though I am bounding through this world without so much as an impact for good.  I seem to be complaining all the time. I just want to stop. Stop all the crying and the whining and the drama. I want to stop all the " fake it til you make it bull shit." most of all I want to stop this ugly ass body. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to drink water. I don't want to go to the gym I don't want to shower and wash my hair. I want to stop. If that means stop living than fine why can't that be my choice?  Why can't I choose to just stop? Why can't that be an effective choice?  I mean I get it that it comes from a place of pain and emotion. Can't those things be wise mind places too. I am not saying that I am going to acquire a gun in the next week. Although I can understand not killing yourself because it hurts other people. I get it they would miss me and be angry. They would feel guilty and hate me forever.  What I don't understand is that they hate me the same if they have to watch me all the time.  Why can't I save them the frustration of going through it over and over again. I am not saying that me killing myself would help them. I know that is something, I tell myself to make me feel better. I only feel that this is a logical choice for me and that by talking about it gets too many people involved. Again my main problem is that I am tired.  Beyond that seems like wishful thinking