Thursday, March 15, 2012
I finally told Granola that I think I am relapsing. Yes, I have been skirting the issue for several weeks, (ok months) I came clean telling her that I have been fighting this thing. Here is the thing, I really, really, REALLY, want to starve myself into oblivion. I want to go further than I ever have. I want to stop eating. I want to stop feeling. I do not want to eat ever again. I am trying so hard to get to a point where I can trust people with my vulnerabilities. I am trying to find out who will walk this road with me. So, far I can’t find anyone. I don’t know how to ask anyone for things. My guilt is running rampant. I hate myself for feeling cliche.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I am sorry, sorry,sorry. I hate that I can’t control my emotions. I don’t know how to be the person anyone wants to have around. I know how to be needed. I know how to make them all disappear. I don’t know how to be strong. I don’t know how to be honest. I don’t know how to ask. I am sorry. I am so confused. I am so lonely. I want to be forgiven. I want to be good. I want to disapper. I want to be real. I am sorry. I don’t mean to make it worse. I don’t mean to ineffective. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I am a coward. I am wrong. I am sorry