I admit it. I am avoiding all emotions. I am using all my obsessive thoughts and ineffective behaviors to do it to. I am finding myself bent over toilets, bags. garbage cans and even the bushes. Shoving two then three finaly my whole fucking hand down my throat, to get that one apple out of my stomach. I hate myself. E-dog wants to know what the primary emotion is well it is disgust. Pure and simple I am so disgusted by myself. I don't know how to cope with that. So right now I am avoiding it the best way I know how. Obsessing about destroying the monster inside me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
How did I get here so fast???? I have been asking myself that question too much lately. I found myself bent over plastic bags puking my guts up today. Why, plastic bags? your asking. Because I am so afraid that all this regurgitating will clog my pipes, duh? I am becoming obsessed with a capital O lately. No there is no food in my refrigerator. Sorry Edog and J.P. I keep promising myself that I will go. I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, what would I buy. This all happened so fast. The last thing I remember is restricting yeast and anything that causes yeast to grow. Now nothing but crumbs stay down. I told myself that I would do what the hotze clinic said. I promised that I could eat clean and healthy. two months is all it took. It all came crashing back. The fear crippling me. ED's voice whispering in my ear, driving me too my knees. I beg and plead when I wake up that my bowels empty. That I can make it on just my supplements and water filled with fiber. Purging until snot and tears run down my face, when a glass of almond milk finds its way down my throat. Black spots dance around my eyes taunting me to stand up to fast. I take in a bowl of soup only to find it in the toilet ten minutes later. My emotions are getting numb and I have taken my mask out and dusted it off. The words fine, good, okay and whatever spill from my lips without a thought. The feeling of self disgust fills me up. Self hatred and doubt fill every nook and cranny of my mind and soul. Not that I ever thought they went away but I was handling them. Is it possible that Ana never left. I am taken aback. this happened too damn fast.