Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I committed safety to E-dog last night. I am committed to using every skill in the book. Having said that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to prove that I can be perfect at dbt. Is it weird that I feel like that is living a lie. That me telling E that I am sleeping right now is pointless. She wants me to be responsible for myself sleeping. I thought I was. I just thought I was telling her honestly how many hours. I am so confused. I feel lost in a pool of grape. Trapped in the pit of my terror and despair of abandonment. Ok so I know that that feeling is not necessarily justified at that height. Hence alas that is where it stays even after 15 hours. I did use opposite action I ate dinner which I wasn't planning. But my pavlovian response from treatment kicked in if that is not skill use I don't know what is. I didn't call for coaching on that and I could have. Sniffling and whining and asked what skill to use but did I nope I had that one all wrapped up with a bow. After an hour on the phone I don't think E-dog has any more confidence in me for stage two work than she did when I the left the food hotel. But I will show her as long as she doesn't ask then what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I am a loser it is confirmed. I am also so mad that I could spit pit bulls. So E-dog today. I think things are going fine. She pulls out the old "therapy interfering behavior for her" shit. That means in DBT language that something that I am doing is wrong. Then she proceeds to tell me that continuing to call her being suicidal is not working for her. That it is "Stage One" work. So basically she doesn't want to hear it. she wants me to be in quiet desperation. so in other words my once a week phone call to ask for support to not swallow my fucking pills. Is too much for her and I need to keep my mouth shut. So that is what stage two work is people suffer in silence. with a little opposite action thrown in. Oh yeah don't do anything stupid like cut your self with a razor or take a dozen or two sleeping pills or heaven for bid stick your fingers down your throat. Because then your well I mean me. your a fucking stage one treadmil walking loser
Monday, March 1, 2010
So i weighed myself today,(boo fucking hoo) . Why did I do this shame inducing thing. Because I had to know, well no not really. I am going to the doctor's today and I wanted to be prepared I hate being blind sided there. So I did it I stepped on the scale. Why is it that my mood is tied to that little box? I hate this life I want off the train. The choo choo to relapse. I gotta get off. Diet girl says that if I don't change my ways I am dumped. How do I say I can't change this. It is my life. and it is a crying shame