Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I committed safety to E-dog last night. I am committed to using every skill in the book. Having said that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to prove that I can be perfect at dbt. Is it weird that I feel like that is living a lie. That me telling E that I am sleeping right now is pointless. She wants me to be responsible for myself sleeping. I thought I was. I just thought I was telling her honestly how many hours. I am so confused. I feel lost in a pool of grape. Trapped in the pit of my terror and despair of abandonment. Ok so I know that that feeling is not necessarily justified at that height. Hence alas that is where it stays even after 15 hours. I did use opposite action I ate dinner which I wasn't planning. But my pavlovian response from treatment kicked in if that is not skill use I don't know what is. I didn't call for coaching on that and I could have. Sniffling and whining and asked what skill to use but did I nope I had that one all wrapped up with a bow. After an hour on the phone I don't think E-dog has any more confidence in me for stage two work than she did when I the left the food hotel. But I will show her as long as she doesn't ask then what she doesn't know won't hurt her.