Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Grape and Drama?????

Thank you, E-Dog for my sanity hour today. Recovery is a bitch. Grape and Drama therapy is fucking hell. But without you I would be in a pit of despair.  how long till my life gets better? maybe never but I can't give up now.   Calories in and calories out how many calories in a flashback? I am stuck today. Maybe it is a good day to find myself back here. Back in the old world. lost in my head and finding the grief of a little girl long dead and broken inside of my soul. Can Drama therapy save her or am I just to late?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

weights and nic and nightmares

hip hip. I started training today. For what I don't quite know life in general maybe. I met with Nic the personal trainer. She started me on my weights and strength training today.  I feel exuberant there is a feeling word for you    
e dog. We did bicep curls and tricep curls and dead lifts and all kinds of squats( I just said Squat in a sentence hahah) So it was good tiring but good.
   Nightmares continue to plague me. Memories from long ago have crept up around my ears. They whisper awful scary thing to me. they make my appetite vanish and nausea settles in for the long ride. I tried to talk to Sanity about it and she gave me skills to work on. Problem solving this is not helping. It helps the behaviors some but not the emotions. My world is slowly falling in around me. It becomes chaotic when emotions overwhelm me. Soon everything does, food, laundry, house cleaning they all fall by the wayside and I want to crawl into my bed and hide. That solves nothing though so here I am do I accept reality for the disaster it is. How do I do this one foot at a time turning the mind and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

nightmares scare me.

I can't stand waking up crying. With voices screaming in my head ranting about, hatred and death. Fear blinding me  from the deepest part of me. Okay I know that this sounds ridiculous but I can't explain it. The emotions overwhelm me. what do i do I about all the terror that lives in my head. How do I deal with the emotions that I have a run away from forever. Starved out and cut away

Saturday, February 13, 2010

shiny new toy

hee hee I joined a new gym this week. It is spectacular I could see myself getting totally lost there forever and ever. I see this as a new opportunity to show the world I can handle it but the Cardio Cinema is calling my name while I sleep. How can this be? I say. I have this under control. I do however have the urge to leave roomie in the dust and go without her and stay a lot longer. this could get me in some serious trouble. I am not however a MOFO and will keep this under control so the sane lady and the food policewoman do not take it away.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

old store in town

So, A couple of days ago I am looking up new supplements for blood sugar and thyroid so I can get some help. Low and be hold, I come across a total supplement and herbal store in af. Who woulda thunk it? so yesterday I venture in. Wait, a bit of a back ground. I am a pill junkie. Dietary supplements can get me into real trouble. I know this walking into the store. I am not here for diet pills. I tell myself this over and over in my head. Chanting it like a gregorian monk in a prayer of mercy.  The lady asks me if I need some help. " Oh fuck!" I think she knows I want diet pills." No thanks," I tell her. Because this is part of the attraction. I want to look at all the pretty bottles and shake them.  I want to hear them rattle their soothing sounds at me. Okay so standing by the big book of remedies thats tells you what every thing is.  What the side effects are going to be like.  I take a look around. Guess what? No DIET PILLS! nope not one. none there are not any in the whole damn store.  Relief floods me my chanting stops. I can get my thyroid and glucose helpers and be gone. I can look at these bottles. there is not a stacker or a hydroxycut or xenedrine among them. I check the book. The only thing in it for weight at all is for people who are under weight. Hip Hip.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

saving people uh Am I included....

So I gave hope and saved girl number seven today. She was in the land of desperation. Doing so, I also may have saved girl 5. Running here and there, filling out papers and writing checks.  Listening to sweet tears flow. I love these sweet girls. They need help. I participated in health and life today. I chose mindfully to laugh and smile. I chose to eat. I chose not to well okay p to the urge. So today while serving my girls I saved myself.....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

sisters sham and grace

univited to a family dinner. I feel as though my sisters forget that I exist. When the need something or they want something they call.. I give it to them yearning for the attetion that they dole out like a tooth fairy giving away quarters and dimes. the lady that keeps me sane says that this is reminisent of trauma and the un abilitynto reclaim my right to say no. She wants me to practice saying no and being less door matish. I find myself climbing back into the cave of my soul. Letting people walk all over me. untill things happen like today. I invited myself to the family dinner. tah dah problem solved no walking on me and a night out with the neices and nephews. therapist clapped here and gave the most wonderful smile and wink. not creepy like just validating. she is perfect. then came the skills worksheet for  interpersonal effectivness and scene
'nother nightmare last night can't get out of the mother Fer basement well except when I open my eyes. dreams are so dumb dumb dumb. I mean what do they really mean pretty much nothing. So any way e today. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about smurfing a margarita. I am going to laugh my ass off. E.D. urges off the chart I decided that I am getting away with to much and need to either relapse (yeah yeah) like I want to stick nine inch nails through my eyelids (thanks eminem ). Anyway, or get my shit in gear still can't decide such a fence sitter I am.all right so tee tee for now I have to go bristol is drinking out of the toilet Bristol.get DOWN