Friday, October 29, 2010

Back in Action

So here I am, back. I have lost it. The delicate control that I had for fence sitting. ED has returned shining like the light at the end of a dark tunnel. Begging me, goading me, with her silky voice that she will cure all of my ills. I listened. I jumped into the black hole with both feet. Dora went back, m&m is barely holding on. I am not as fine as I tell everyone. This time I confessed my sins. I told E-Dog about my lack of fighting urges to flush my sanity down the shit hole.(figuratively and literally) So there I said it I have relapsed.  It came back so easy. I tried to follow what the doctor in Texas said. Follow a yeast free diet for 30 days. I did, and now there is no food in my fridgadair.  And my diet consists dehydrated soups, and all that is yeast free. Except when I must have a value meal or some other unsafe food then I puke it back up. I thought I could fight this but it has proved a moot point.
Oh spiral paths why do you tempt me so. The problem with this little sortie is that everything else is good. More     hours at work FINALLY. Therapy progress is slow but I move steadily along.(well I have been) but going to the gym at three a.m. I mean come on!!  My memories haunt me. The voices that told me I was black and disgusting, no good, that I deserved all they could dish out and more. Those voices fill my head.  I can hear her screaming loud now. but then I hear ED whisper ever so softly. "I'm here, I'm back, back in action."