Friday, July 30, 2010

I think  my friends hate me.  Rather they are sick of me. Dora won't look at me or speak to me. I feel like making excuses saying that this isn't my fault, it is though. I did it I and I alone have burned this bridge. I have once again somehow got myself put on safety without really saying anything. I suppose actions always speak louder than words. I was just trying to protect my friends from my drama. It did not work.  God how I hate myself.  It is just like the policeman said that was standing in my living room I should respect my support system and their lives.  They do care I know they do. I love them too I just sometimes think it would be better if I gave them some peace and quiet. I am always running out of time. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Okay so I just have to post this from way back from my birthday, These are my peeps inhaling helium

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Recovery ????

Edog kicked me out of her office yesterday. It is a long story. Basically, she asked if I was restricting I told the truth and said yes I was, She handed me a chain analysis form, and sent me packing.  I walked away cursing, spitting nails, and swearing to all things holy that I was through. I still kind of feel that way. Why should I eat. I have no clue. I am not going to starve to death. nothing about me says starving. So bite me.  However, I know that this is ineffective. I will not get where I want blah blah blah (or as Brie so eloquently says Yackity schmackity) I get it. I hate it but I get it.  So here it is 11:47 am. Have I had breakfast?, no. Have I had morning snack, uh no am I planing on it? Nope not really. Will I have a Poweraid Zero and a piece of gum? Yes I will. Am I going to wander around the grocery store looking for food that fits my safe list and some that fits J.P.'s list too? Yes I will. Will I eat it? Now there is the question. I am going to do my chain and go back to therapy. All of this is called recovery?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Welcome Back

Yellers old friend,
 I have returned, from a pit of desolation. Well I have put one hand outside the hole anyway. Whatair, whatair, so today I am alive and I got paid my little pittance. I need to do a tad of an update. This summer has been a whirlwinder. My birthday came and went no surprise there it always does, however I must say that this year was one of the best I can remember. Two traffic tickets sent me for a loop. I mean, more like a nose dive to hell. Edog has been there the whole time asking the right questions not sending me to the hospital. Teaching me to be mindful yes we can say DBT skill of the year. The battle with will I relapse will I not is starting to drive J.P. a bit insane. She of course wants me off the EDNOS fence on to the "tada I am a eating disorder winner look at my metabolism shine" side. The voice in my head wants the cut out bread and meat all together. "you don't want breakfast or morning snack or lunch fatty then you'll have to puke it up" side. What Shall I do. J.P. says I can't go to the gym until I am eating my snacks. Fine but I will do sit ups in my room and wear my ankle weights everywhere I and not eat any snacks or breakfast or lunch. So there. Suck on that.

 So other news,
The family was here. Park City Again, of course  we had to take pictures for number 3 FML don't they get it I don't want anyone to see that.
I am going to the hormone guy in Texas. I don't care what 1&2 say they can stay the way they are forever if they want. I on the other hand am used to strict  regimes I can do anything. What else do I have to say welcome back to my world.