Here it is Sunday, this week did not go as I had planned it. I was placed on Safety by Edog and had to be watched by Dora, M&M, and Mann. They were scared as they had every right to be. The thing is I never said that I was a safety risk. I said I was tired. That is the truth, I am exhausted. I feel as though I am bounding through this world without so much as an impact for good.  I seem to be complaining all the time. I just want to stop. Stop all the crying and the whining and the drama. I want to stop all the " fake it til you make it bull shit." most of all I want to stop this ugly ass body. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to drink water. I don't want to go to the gym I don't want to shower and wash my hair. I want to stop. If that means stop living than fine why can't that be my choice?  Why can't I choose to just stop? Why can't that be an effective choice?  I mean I get it that it comes from a place of pain and emotion. Can't those things be wise mind places too. I am not saying that I am going to acquire a gun in the next week. Although I can understand not killing yourself because it hurts other people. I get it they would miss me and be angry. They would feel guilty and hate me forever.  What I don't understand is that they hate me the same if they have to watch me all the time.  Why can't I save them the frustration of going through it over and over again. I am not saying that me killing myself would help them. I know that is something, I tell myself to make me feel better. I only feel that this is a logical choice for me and that by talking about it gets too many people involved. Again my main problem is that I am tired.  Beyond that seems like wishful thinking

I think  my friends hate me.  Rather they are sick of me. Dora won't look at me or speak to me. I feel like making excuses saying that this isn't my fault, it is though. I did it I and I alone have burned this bridge. I have once again somehow got myself put on safety without really saying anything. I suppose actions always speak louder than words. I was just trying to protect my friends from my drama. It did not work.  God how I hate myself.  It is just like the policeman said that was standing in my living room I should respect my support system and their lives.  They do care I know they do. I love them too I just sometimes think it would be better if I gave them some peace and quiet. I am always running out of time. 

Okay so I just have to post this from way back from my birthday, These are my peeps inhaling helium

Recovery ????

Edog kicked me out of her office yesterday. It is a long story. Basically, she asked if I was restricting I told the truth and said yes I was, She handed me a chain analysis form, and sent me packing.  I walked away cursing, spitting nails, and swearing to all things holy that I was through. I still kind of feel that way. Why should I eat. I have no clue. I am not going to starve to death. nothing about me says starving. So bite me.  However, I know that this is ineffective. I will not get where I want blah blah blah (or as Brie so eloquently says Yackity schmackity) I get it. I hate it but I get it.  So here it is 11:47 am. Have I had breakfast?, no. Have I had morning snack, uh no am I planing on it? Nope not really. Will I have a Poweraid Zero and a piece of gum? Yes I will. Am I going to wander around the grocery store looking for food that fits my safe list and some that fits J.P.'s list too? Yes I will. Will I eat it? Now there is the question. I am going to do my chain and go back to therapy. All of this is called recovery?

Welcome Back

Yellers old friend,
 I have returned, from a pit of desolation. Well I have put one hand outside the hole anyway. Whatair, whatair, so today I am alive and I got paid my little pittance. I need to do a tad of an update. This summer has been a whirlwinder. My birthday came and went no surprise there it always does, however I must say that this year was one of the best I can remember. Two traffic tickets sent me for a loop. I mean, more like a nose dive to hell. Edog has been there the whole time asking the right questions not sending me to the hospital. Teaching me to be mindful yes we can say DBT skill of the year. The battle with will I relapse will I not is starting to drive J.P. a bit insane. She of course wants me off the EDNOS fence on to the "tada I am a eating disorder winner look at my metabolism shine" side. The voice in my head wants the cut out bread and meat all together. "you don't want breakfast or morning snack or lunch fatty then you'll have to puke it up" side. What Shall I do. J.P. says I can't go to the gym until I am eating my snacks. Fine but I will do sit ups in my room and wear my ankle weights everywhere I and not eat any snacks or breakfast or lunch. So there. Suck on that.

 So other news,
The family was here. Park City Again, of course  we had to take pictures for number 3 FML don't they get it I don't want anyone to see that.
I am going to the hormone guy in Texas. I don't care what 1&2 say they can stay the way they are forever if they want. I on the other hand am used to strict  regimes I can do anything. What else do I have to say welcome back to my world.

I want to die. There I said it.  No I don't want to escape this mortal pain. I don't want to run from my emotion. I want to be dead.  Gone from this earth. I know that this will cause great pain to mat they would  family and friends. I know that they would miss me and they would suffer. I don't want them to suffer.  Don't get me wrong I am not saying that I am going to go out and kill myself.  (today anyway)  I just wish I understood it is all. Things are starting to look up for me. I got a job and everything is okay. Yet I want to die

I have no little gems today as my roomie calls them. No bits of humor or quips of sarcasm. I am full of despair. But that seems like such a small word for what I feel.  Words like loom and grave and danger fill my head. I feel as though I have stepped on to a thin shelf  over a great precipice. I have never done this in real life but I assume that foreboding and treacherous  are the words that people feel when they do. I feel this is a unsafe place for me to be physically and emotionally. I do not know what to do about it. I can only feel it. Edog would say that I have the skills to deal with this even if it takes every bit of my energy. My brain tells me to give up. Run away from this monster that has hidden so well. My eating disorder has rushed to the forefront telling me that everything will be okay if I rush safely back to her arms. This is not the answer I know that but it is so damn inviting I will admit I am dabbling in it at times. I find my way back with roommate therapy and a few tears but I know that this damn has yet to break. This thin shell may break and I may fall.