Fast????

How did I get here so fast???? I have been asking myself that question too much lately. I found myself bent over plastic bags puking my guts up today. Why, plastic bags? your asking. Because I am so afraid that all this regurgitating will clog my pipes, duh?  I am becoming obsessed with a capital O lately. No there is no food in my refrigerator. Sorry Edog and J.P. I keep promising myself that I will go. I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, what would I buy. This all happened so fast. The last thing I remember is restricting yeast and anything that causes yeast to grow. Now nothing but crumbs stay down. I told myself that I would do what the hotze clinic said. I promised that I could eat clean and healthy. two months is all it took. It all came crashing back. The fear crippling me. ED's voice whispering in my ear, driving me too my knees. I beg and plead when I wake up that my bowels empty. That I can make it on just my supplements and water filled with fiber. Purging until snot and tears run down my face, when a glass of almond milk finds its way down my throat. Black spots dance around my eyes taunting me to stand up to fast. I take in a bowl of soup only to find it in the toilet ten minutes later. My emotions are getting numb and I have taken my mask out and dusted it off.  The words fine, good, okay and whatever spill from my lips without a thought. The feeling of self disgust fills me up. Self hatred and doubt fill every nook and cranny of my mind and soul. Not that I ever thought they went away but I was handling them. Is it possible that Ana never left. I am taken aback. this happened too damn fast.

Back in Action

So here I am, back. I have lost it. The delicate control that I had for fence sitting. ED has returned shining like the light at the end of a dark tunnel. Begging me, goading me, with her silky voice that she will cure all of my ills. I listened. I jumped into the black hole with both feet. Dora went back, m&m is barely holding on. I am not as fine as I tell everyone. This time I confessed my sins. I told E-Dog about my lack of fighting urges to flush my sanity down the shit hole.(figuratively and literally) So there I said it I have relapsed.  It came back so easy. I tried to follow what the doctor in Texas said. Follow a yeast free diet for 30 days. I did, and now there is no food in my fridgadair.  And my diet consists dehydrated soups, and all that is yeast free. Except when I must have a value meal or some other unsafe food then I puke it back up. I thought I could fight this but it has proved a moot point.
Oh spiral paths why do you tempt me so. The problem with this little sortie is that everything else is good. More     hours at work FINALLY. Therapy progress is slow but I move steadily along.(well I have been) but going to the gym at three a.m. I mean come on!!  My memories haunt me. The voices that told me I was black and disgusting, no good, that I deserved all they could dish out and more. Those voices fill my head.  I can hear her screaming loud now. but then I hear ED whisper ever so softly. "I'm here, I'm back, back in action."

Here it is Sunday, this week did not go as I had planned it. I was placed on Safety by Edog and had to be watched by Dora, M&M, and Mann. They were scared as they had every right to be. The thing is I never said that I was a safety risk. I said I was tired. That is the truth, I am exhausted. I feel as though I am bounding through this world without so much as an impact for good.  I seem to be complaining all the time. I just want to stop. Stop all the crying and the whining and the drama. I want to stop all the " fake it til you make it bull shit." most of all I want to stop this ugly ass body. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to drink water. I don't want to go to the gym I don't want to shower and wash my hair. I want to stop. If that means stop living than fine why can't that be my choice?  Why can't I choose to just stop? Why can't that be an effective choice?  I mean I get it that it comes from a place of pain and emotion. Can't those things be wise mind places too. I am not saying that I am going to acquire a gun in the next week. Although I can understand not killing yourself because it hurts other people. I get it they would miss me and be angry. They would feel guilty and hate me forever.  What I don't understand is that they hate me the same if they have to watch me all the time.  Why can't I save them the frustration of going through it over and over again. I am not saying that me killing myself would help them. I know that is something, I tell myself to make me feel better. I only feel that this is a logical choice for me and that by talking about it gets too many people involved. Again my main problem is that I am tired.  Beyond that seems like wishful thinking

I think  my friends hate me.  Rather they are sick of me. Dora won't look at me or speak to me. I feel like making excuses saying that this isn't my fault, it is though. I did it I and I alone have burned this bridge. I have once again somehow got myself put on safety without really saying anything. I suppose actions always speak louder than words. I was just trying to protect my friends from my drama. It did not work.  God how I hate myself.  It is just like the policeman said that was standing in my living room I should respect my support system and their lives.  They do care I know they do. I love them too I just sometimes think it would be better if I gave them some peace and quiet. I am always running out of time. 

Okay so I just have to post this from way back from my birthday, These are my peeps inhaling helium

Recovery ????

Edog kicked me out of her office yesterday. It is a long story. Basically, she asked if I was restricting I told the truth and said yes I was, She handed me a chain analysis form, and sent me packing.  I walked away cursing, spitting nails, and swearing to all things holy that I was through. I still kind of feel that way. Why should I eat. I have no clue. I am not going to starve to death. nothing about me says starving. So bite me.  However, I know that this is ineffective. I will not get where I want blah blah blah (or as Brie so eloquently says Yackity schmackity) I get it. I hate it but I get it.  So here it is 11:47 am. Have I had breakfast?, no. Have I had morning snack, uh no am I planing on it? Nope not really. Will I have a Poweraid Zero and a piece of gum? Yes I will. Am I going to wander around the grocery store looking for food that fits my safe list and some that fits J.P.'s list too? Yes I will. Will I eat it? Now there is the question. I am going to do my chain and go back to therapy. All of this is called recovery?

Welcome Back

Yellers old friend,
 I have returned, from a pit of desolation. Well I have put one hand outside the hole anyway. Whatair, whatair, so today I am alive and I got paid my little pittance. I need to do a tad of an update. This summer has been a whirlwinder. My birthday came and went no surprise there it always does, however I must say that this year was one of the best I can remember. Two traffic tickets sent me for a loop. I mean, more like a nose dive to hell. Edog has been there the whole time asking the right questions not sending me to the hospital. Teaching me to be mindful yes we can say DBT skill of the year. The battle with will I relapse will I not is starting to drive J.P. a bit insane. She of course wants me off the EDNOS fence on to the "tada I am a eating disorder winner look at my metabolism shine" side. The voice in my head wants the cut out bread and meat all together. "you don't want breakfast or morning snack or lunch fatty then you'll have to puke it up" side. What Shall I do. J.P. says I can't go to the gym until I am eating my snacks. Fine but I will do sit ups in my room and wear my ankle weights everywhere I and not eat any snacks or breakfast or lunch. So there. Suck on that.

 So other news,
The family was here. Park City Again, of course  we had to take pictures for number 3 FML don't they get it I don't want anyone to see that.
I am going to the hormone guy in Texas. I don't care what 1&2 say they can stay the way they are forever if they want. I on the other hand am used to strict  regimes I can do anything. What else do I have to say welcome back to my world.