I have no little gems today as my roomie calls them. No bits of humor or quips of sarcasm. I am full of despair. But that seems like such a small word for what I feel.  Words like loom and grave and danger fill my head. I feel as though I have stepped on to a thin shelf  over a great precipice. I have never done this in real life but I assume that foreboding and treacherous  are the words that people feel when they do. I feel this is a unsafe place for me to be physically and emotionally. I do not know what to do about it. I can only feel it. Edog would say that I have the skills to deal with this even if it takes every bit of my energy. My brain tells me to give up. Run away from this monster that has hidden so well. My eating disorder has rushed to the forefront telling me that everything will be okay if I rush safely back to her arms. This is not the answer I know that but it is so damn inviting I will admit I am dabbling in it at times. I find my way back with roommate therapy and a few tears but I know that this damn has yet to break. This thin shell may break and I may fall. 

Stage two???

I committed safety to E-dog last night. I am committed to using every skill in the book. Having said that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to prove that I can be perfect at dbt. Is it weird that I feel like that is living a lie. That me telling E that I am sleeping right now is pointless. She wants me to be responsible for myself  sleeping. I thought I was. I just thought I was telling her honestly how many hours. I am so confused.  I feel lost in a pool of grape. Trapped in the pit of my terror and despair of abandonment. Ok so I know that that feeling is not necessarily justified at that height.  Hence alas that is where it stays even after 15 hours. I did use opposite action  I ate dinner which I wasn't planning. But my pavlovian response from treatment kicked in if that is not skill use I don't know what is. I didn't call for coaching on that and I could have. Sniffling and whining and asked what skill to use but did I nope I had that one all wrapped up with a bow. After an hour on the phone I don't think E-dog has any more confidence in me for stage two work than she did when I the left the food hotel. But I will show her as long as she doesn't ask then what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

loser

I am a loser it is confirmed. I am  also so mad that I could spit pit bulls. So E-dog today. I think things are going fine. She pulls out the old "therapy interfering behavior for her" shit. That means in DBT language that something that I am doing is wrong. Then she proceeds to tell me that continuing to call her being suicidal is not working for her. That it is "Stage One" work. So basically she doesn't want to hear it. she wants me to be in quiet desperation. so in other words my once a week phone call to ask for support to not swallow my fucking pills. Is too much for her and I need to keep my mouth shut. So that is what stage two work is people suffer in silence. with a little opposite action thrown in. Oh yeah don't do anything stupid like cut your self with a razor or take a dozen or two sleeping pills or heaven for bid stick your fingers down your throat. Because then your well I mean me. your a fucking stage one treadmil walking loser

crying shame

So i weighed myself today,(boo fucking hoo) . Why did I do this shame inducing thing. Because I had to know, well no not really.  I am going to the doctor's today and I wanted to be prepared  I hate being blind sided there. So I did it I stepped on the scale. Why is it that my mood is tied to that little box? I hate this life I want off the train. The choo choo to relapse. I gotta get off.  Diet girl says that if I don't change my ways I am dumped. How do I say I can't change this. It is my life. and it is a crying shame

Grape and Drama?????

Thank you, E-Dog for my sanity hour today. Recovery is a bitch. Grape and Drama therapy is fucking hell. But without you I would be in a pit of despair.  how long till my life gets better? maybe never but I can't give up now.   Calories in and calories out how many calories in a flashback? I am stuck today. Maybe it is a good day to find myself back here. Back in the old world. lost in my head and finding the grief of a little girl long dead and broken inside of my soul. Can Drama therapy save her or am I just to late?

weights and nic and nightmares

hip hip. I started training today. For what I don't quite know life in general maybe. I met with Nic the personal trainer. She started me on my weights and strength training today.  I feel exuberant there is a feeling word for you    
e dog. We did bicep curls and tricep curls and dead lifts and all kinds of squats( I just said Squat in a sentence hahah) So it was good tiring but good.
   Nightmares continue to plague me. Memories from long ago have crept up around my ears. They whisper awful scary thing to me. they make my appetite vanish and nausea settles in for the long ride. I tried to talk to Sanity about it and she gave me skills to work on. Problem solving this is not helping. It helps the behaviors some but not the emotions. My world is slowly falling in around me. It becomes chaotic when emotions overwhelm me. Soon everything does, food, laundry, house cleaning they all fall by the wayside and I want to crawl into my bed and hide. That solves nothing though so here I am do I accept reality for the disaster it is. How do I do this one foot at a time turning the mind and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom.